Friday, December 2, 2011

Welcome to The Republic of Heliopolis

Disclaimer: This post is tongue in cheek. It should not be taken seriously. I do not condone any of what I humorously written below.

After the results of the first round of the parliamentary elections, there were several calls to declare the independence of the Heliopolis district from the rest of Egypt. Hey, we’re the only district where a liberal beat a Muslim Brotherhood by a landslide. We’re the only district that voted for a candidate with long hair whose girlfriend is a movie star. People in Montazah, Alexandria, voted for a guy who called democracy haram or forbidden.  The prick then used the democratic process in order to get a parliament seat!

So we can presume that it is quiet understandable why we want to be separated from Egypt. Why we want nothing to do with the rest of our previous country.

To make things simplier, I decided to propose how our new country will look like. So ladies and gentlement, welcome to The Republic of Heliopolis.



We decided to have the current boundaries of our electoral district as our borders.  We don’t mind  including Badr and Sherouk. Many of us either work or live there. Besides, Heliopolis club has a branch in Sherouk.

We’re going to build a Berlin style wall around Heliopolis. Anyone who tries to cross over will be shot on the spot. If you’re not a resident of ROH, you will need a visa. Residents of Zamalek, Maadi (the posh part of Maadi), Katamiyah and Garden City are exempted. Residents of Nasr City are only allowed to go to City Stars without a visa. Yes, we consider City Stars as part of Nozha and not Nasr City!



We decided to elect our current member of parliament as president. President Hamzawy lives in the Heliopolis Palace, the palace in front of Heliopolis club. Mubarak’s house in Orouba will be turned into museum.


We have an open market economy with social justice. We have a small population of low income people living in Nozha and Sherouk.


We want nothing to do with our neighbor Egypt. Let Egypt elect whom it elects, but Egypt has to leave us alone.


Heliopolisians are diverse people. We have Muslims, Coptic Orthodox Christians, Coptic Catholic Christians, Coptic Evangelicals, Armenians, Greek Orthodox and Catholic, Syrian Orthodox and Catholic. And we also have a Jewish synagogue in Korba. It’s closed now but we welcome back any Heliopolis Jew who wants to return back to his homeland ROH and open the synagogue. A Jewish elderly house is adjacent to the synagogue. It was also shut down after the last resident of the house died or left Egypt years ago.

Nightlife and Entertainment:


Meet Mr. Ahmed El Ganzoury, our minister of culture. Mr. Ganzoury, better known as Ganz, was Egypt’s top party organizer. He later renounced his Egyptian citizenship and decided to become a ROH resident. He is the only cabinet member who does not change. Who wants to change Ganz!

In spite of the presence of Ganz in our cabinet, we still have a huge problem concerning night outings. Before our independence we used to hang out in mostly Zamalek  and Maadi.  However,  President Hamzawy promised that we will soon have our own La Bodega and Tamarai, besides the newly opened L’Aubergine of course. So very soon we will kiss our dear small Deals pub goodbye.

How to become a resident:

To become a resident of ROH, you have to be an open minded person who does not mind the diversity of our country. You will have to keep religion to yourself and not force it on other fellow countrymen. You also have to strictly abide by the laws and regulations in ROH. Some of our laws can be pretty tough though. For example, if you’re caught harassing a female on the street, you get your testicles ripped apart by a 27 days starved doberman.

  Posted by BP at 11:11 am Comments (5)


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